Dear leftists, mutants, rioters, perma-protestors, and all those funding or cheering on these violent goons destroying once-great cities of every color and possible human configuration (I realize that’s a long way to address a letter, but I wanted to make sure to be “inclusive,” lest someone feel offended or left out).
I write to you today on behalf of everyone else – not just the people who roll their eyes in disgust at the sight of you, but the people you don’t see – the people going to work every day, people with families or without, those stuck at home, those trying to get an actual education, and anyone else who loves this country, people of every race and ethnicity. In other words: normal Americans.
You really seem to hate it here. So, we have a question: why are you still here?
Honestly, if the country is such a cesspool of racism, sexism, homophobia, oppression, brutality, and is fundamentally rigged against everyone not born with a silver spoon in their mouth, why the hell have you stayed?
It’s not like you’re in prison here, no matter how much you whine that it is like one. You’re out in the streets seemingly every other week “fighting oppression” over just about every way you can dream up to claim someone is oppressed, crying about the fascism of this or that without it sinking in that you’re still free to whine about imagined fascism and if we really were a fascist country you’d be in jail or dead, why not get out?
You don’t seem to have a coherent message beyond you hate it here, so leave.
You’re spending an awful lot of time trying to impose a system of government you claim to be fighting, which is a testament to how you were failed by the education system, your parents, or both. Whatever the case, we don’t care. We aren’t interested in what you’re selling. Our Second Amendment makes it really difficult for you to force it on us, so your fight is likely an unwinnable one.
Yes, you have the Democratic Party on your side now, but even a win in November won’t bring about the complete “transformation” you’re seeking. But there are countries out that that have what you want – North Korea, Venezuela, Cuba – or others that have lighter versions of the same. There’s a country for whatever level of stupid you happen to suffer from, or simply other places that aren’t “colonizing, imperialist, capitalistic” pits of despair, and you can get to any of them in a matter of hours. Go.
Why spend your whole lives fighting for something you may never get when what you want is readily available elsewhere? What walls we do have on our borders aren’t meant to keep you in, you’re free to leave.
Now, you may find that other countries, “more fair” countries, might not want you. Most of the rest of the world only takes in people who bring something to the table and, let’s face it, you’re not bringing much. But you could probably convince them to take you, if only for the propaganda victory against the U.S. It’s a sacrifice we’re willing to make.
I get that moving to a new country is tough, but if I were born into what I thought of as a prison with no hope for a better future, I’d find a way. In fact, I did. I was born and raised in Detroit, but I got out. It wasn’t easy. When I moved out I had about $500 to my name, one month’s rent, but I did it because there was nothing for me professionally there. What’s your excuse?
Here’s a deal I propose to help with that, actually. Since the government is just printing money like crazy right now (for a long time, really), how about a one-time payment of, say, $20,000 to help you start your new life in an existing Utopia? You pick it, we’ll move you there and give you some money to help you get started.
It can be anywhere in the world, totally up to you. All you have to do is get them to accept you, and we’ll take care of the rest. We’ll move your record collection, vintage video games, ferret or snake (no judgement), your books (from Communist Manifesto and Mao’s little red one to comic or White Fragility), and any clothes you have beyond the all black outfit you always wear to the country of your choice.
There’s just one little catch, because there always is: you can’t come back. Part of this deal is when you sign for your check you are renouncing your US citizenship. Seems like a fair trade to me – why would you ever want to return to this disgusting place, right?
A free move, free cash, and freedom from the United States of America to wherever you can find. Imagine being able to live in a country without a single statue of Columbus, Washington, Jefferson, or anyone else you couldn’t hold a candle to if you lived to be 1,000. Wouldn’t that be great?
One more caveat: you’ve got to take most, if not all, of your fellow travelers with you. Since you can’t come back, not even to visit (Skype with your parents or they can go visit you, if they still talk to you), think of it as a chance to see the world with your likeminded, gender non-conforming, flag burning, cop-hating, brick-throwing extended family. In other words, it’s a package deal.
It shouldn’t be difficult to convince most of them, your old college professors and unshowered drum circle comrades likely don’t enjoy it here anymore than you do. Sure, it would damage the chances of Democrats winning in the fall, but that wouldn’t really matter anyway since 99 percent of the ones in Congress already would be going with you.
What do you say? Do we have a deal?