That Creepy Old Weirdo In The Basement Will Never Debate Trump

Kurt  Schlichter

Kurt Schlichter

That Creepy Old Weirdo In The Basement Will Never Debate Trump

There are a few safe bets in life – the sun will rise in the East, the mainstream media will tongue-bathe the Dems, the Never Trump sissies of the Ahoy crew will die alone, forgotten, and unloved – but there is no safer bet than on Joe Biden taking the debate stage with Donald Trump.

If he does debate Trump, Grandpa Badfinger is toast. And if he doesn’t debate Trump, Grandpa Badfinger is also toast. Either way, that post-moderate muppet is a breakfast entrée. Dodging the debate is merely his least bad choice, sort of like going with chlamydia over syphilis.

The media and the Biden campaign are doing everything they can to avoid the moment where the public consensus coalesces around Biden’s obsolescence. You know how that goes. One day, a politician is defined by his positions. The next day, there’s a moment in time when a new perception gets locked in stone, where the mere mention of his name gets people nodding and a single word seems to define him forever. With Biden, the word will be “senile,” just like with Bill Clinton the word is “humidor.” 

And Trump is going to define Slow Joe mercilessly, but not quite yet. Those of us swimming in the cesspool of politics every day see Trump’s gentle pokes about Rip van Wrinkled’s manifest mental deterioration, but it’s clear that Trump is holding his big guns in reserve for the moment. Why? Well, Trump certainly wants the Democrats to go all-in and formally nominate Joethuselah before he unleashes hell like Maximus upon my uppity German tribesman ancestors. Further, you don’t want to lower expectations so much that Oldfinger gets pronounced competent simply by appearing in public without drooling all over his bib. 


But mostly, Trump knows that normal people aren’t paying attention yet. In September, they will take a break from trying not to be bankrupted by stupid pols panicking over the flu and from dealing with how their kids are not going to school because teacher unions members can’t take the same minimal risk that Trader Joe’s baggers have been enduring since Day One. When people start paying attention after Labor Day, they will be expecting to see Share A Beer Joe and instead see Share An Ensure Joe. 

And the Dems know that Trump will then paint Biden in all the colors of the dementia rainbow.

They can’t not know it. Even the rare clips of the nominee show him unable to form a coherent sentence and, on the even rarer occasions where Ernst Stavros Biden leaves his basement lair, needing to be led around by his attendants. The guy is a lukewarm mess, and if the people around him cared for him at all, except as a Trojan horse to slip a bunch of commies into the White House, they would give him a big chocolate chip cookie and leave him to a dignified retirement of chasing squirrels around his backyard. But they don’t care about Joe, only about their own power. That’s why, if he’s elected, he’ll be put out to pasture faster than you can say “Twenty-Fifth Amendment.”

Imagine that addled crustacean up on the debate stage. It’s actually painful. First, they would have to get him dressed for the occasion, and you know he’d argue that he should be able to wear his bathrobe and black socks. Then someone would have to tie him to the lectern to ensure he didn’t wander off. His opening statement would be all about the need to get those damn kids off his lawn.

We all know an elderly relative who is just not with it anymore. It’s sad, and their own frustration often manifests in angry and incoherent outbursts. Remember “Look, fat, look, here’s the deal” and his push-up contest challenge? Yeah, America wants that guy with his infamous fingers hovering over the Big Red Button.

And who is the one guy who is unsurpassed in his ability to make Democrats mad, in both senses of the word? The very same guy who will be next to Biden on that stage. 

So, what’s Biden going to say when Trump hits him about his son Hoover’s foreign entanglements with China, Ukraine and, at least in terms of powdery exports, Bolivia? And do not put it past Trump to get Biden sputtering by making it rain with references to Hoover’s controversial domestic entanglements – Biden’s unhinged responses to Trump’s references to the pole are sure to poll badly. 

And you know that Tara Reade will get a front row seat in the Trump box.

Oh, and the Dim Dem is not going to do any better on the purely policy questions. How do you think Biden is going to go threading the needle on embracing the left’s sacred “Defund the Police” position without freaking out those safety-first suburban wine women he’s desperate to win? Or when he has to explain how everyone’s taxes are going up? Or how he would have done a much better job on the pangolin pandemic panic by not cutting off flights from China, and how the economy would have been much better if he had locked us down even tighter. You have to be at the top of your game to apply the lipstick to the slippery, squealing pig that is the Democrat’s 1972 redux platform, and this guy hasn’t seen the top of his game since, well, ever.

Now, the media is already prepping the battlefield for Biden to refuse to debate. It seems that every day, some lib outlet explains how we really don’t need debates anymore, a viewpoint that mysteriously popped up for the first time right now when a debate is nearly certain to be a disaster for the libs. Other media hacks caution that making the Democrat defend his program plays into Trump’s hands, which is certainly true, and therefore is probably not a compelling argument to people not already chugging the deep blue Kool-Aid.

There’s going to be some lame excuse for why he won’t debate. Maybe Biden and the rest will try to impose ridiculous conditions on the debate, like “Trump cannot speak” or “Trump must be fact-checked in real time during the debate by a panel of neutral, objective truth tellers from MSNBCNN, the WaPo and the NYT.” Maybe they will just announce that Biden refuses to share a stage with the President because to do so “will serve to normalize his racism, sexism, transphobia, Islamophobia, cisgender normativity, and more racism.” (My new book The 21 Biggest Lies about Donald Trump (and You!) reviews this greatest hits album of lib fibs).

Regardless of the excuse and its manifest lameness, the garbage media will certainly celebrate his refusal to debate and push the line that going Full Sir Robin is actually a brave step of bravery, courage, and more bravery. But normal people will be…skeptical. And Trump will spend October tweaking Hidin’ Biden on Twitter like the boss he is.

Now, I could be wrong about all this. Statistically, it has to happen someday. Perhaps that sinewy loser will stagger out onto the stage and try to go toe-to-toe with The Donald. We can only hope. And that stage will soon be sparkling clean because the Prezzy will mop the floor with him. 

Either way, we win. 

Democrat Liars Are Barely Even Trying to Fool Us Anymore

Democrat Liars Are Barely Even Trying to Fool Us Anymore

You watch the freakish Rep. Jerry Nadler mouth off to AG William Barr about how those poor, hug-giving rioters of love in Portland are being cruelly provoked by that federal courthouse that racistly refuses to be burned down, and your mind generates several questions. The first is whether he somehow forgot that we’ve actually seen pictures of those enthusiastic Biden supporters destroying property and attacking cops. The next question is how someone as lumpy as The Nad ever managed to pull off his escape from Willie Wonka’s factory. Maybe he hid in a dumpster of garbage and it worked because no one noticed him nestled inside, perfectly camouflaged. 

But truth is still a thing, despite the efforts of Rep. Class Act and that witch Nancy Pelosi, who called our cops “stormtroopers” with a straight face – though in fairness to her, after all that Botox she no longer has any other kind. 

Truth exists, and we can see it thanks to alternative outlets and social media. And we still think lying is a bad thing, though our opponents disagree. To the left, truth is just a bourgeois conceit, something to be discarded as necessary in the struggle against horrible things like racism, sexism, transphobia, colonialization, and Democrats not being in power. It’s optional. And the left is opting out. This baloney happens to jibe with the theme of my new book, The 21 Biggest Lies About Donald Trump (and You!), which is that liberal liars (along with their cackling, flaccid Never Trump Renfields) are either remarkably stupid or think you are remarkably stupid. Perhaps it’s a bit of both.   

The kind of lies told by the Speaker of the House and the Oompa Loompa of the House are central to the success of the rioters. Remember that all this disorder is an information operation designed to make us normal people think that chaos is descending upon America and that Donald Trump will be unable to protect us when these barbarians issue from the cities like Sauron’s hordes from Mordor and march on our suburban and rural homes. The unspoken deal they offer is that if we only elect the gropey old weirdo who lives in a basement then all this trouble will magically stop and, as a bonus, the Bat Soup Flu will be cured. The Democrat denial of the lies right in front of us is a key component of their information operation strategy. The media tries to help disguise what is actually happening, not just in terms of blaming Trump, but in terms of covering up the essential insignificance of the chaos they are trying to generate. It’s not like people are going to buy the notion that these toxic Portland layabouts were just minding their own business being productive members of society when the courthouse rolled up on them and dumped out a bunch of federal officers who forced these honor students and Eagle Scouts into helmets, gave them shields, lasers, and Molotov cocktails, and compelled them, against their will, to try to torch the place.   

The media keeps trying to make various narrative fetches happen, but it’s not happening. The “peaceful protestor” thing is just stupid. As for the “Wall of Moms,” a hackneyed bit of performance art that might fool dim bulbs like the flatulent Eric Swalwell but no one else, it’s unclear whether those hefty harpies even identify themselves as women. Oh, wait, in their bizarro universe men can be moms too. As for the “Wall of Vets,” those of us who are actual vets identify them as Blue Falcons. While blaming Trump for what is manifestly the fault of these Democrat catspaws is important to the op, what is also vital to their poisonous scheme is convincing you that this is a movement of mass and not of bowel. There simply are not that many people rioting. They only manage to round up a few hundred cretins a night in Portland, but if you dive below the surface you see that this fight is an idiot magnet for losers across the country. This is a nation of 330 million people, and maybe 2,000 are involved in the violence the mainstream media shows every night (albeit in a sanitized and curated form designed to convey the official narrative).

That’s nothing. It is tactically insignificant, and if Portland and these other Democrat cities’ mayors and district attorneys would stop flying top cover for the criminals, the police would pop this progressive protest pimple with about 15 minutes of riot cop TLC. 

The thing you need to know is that they are not coming for you en masse. That’s the big lie. Why not? Besides the fact that they lack numbers, once they hit the big blue ‘burgs’ city limits their cover is gone. Is your police department going to roll over? How about your DA? This garbage may play to the activists who actually vote in the cities, but we all vote in the suburbs and rural areas and we are not defunding nothing. Our pols generally realize that if they lose control, they lose their job. When those creatures slither into our communities, it’s stick time. And that’s not even accounting for all the Second Amendment enthusiasts in the hinterlands.

Let the garbage cities burn. Let the idiots who voted for chaos enjoy it. If they refuse to learn the easy way, let them learn the hard way. Pain is a better teacher than a million man-bunned TAs instructing Goucher College sophomores about 14th Century transgender poetry of Eritrea.

And another thing – while we are already woke, lots of people who don’t dog paddle through the political cesspool every day like many of us do are watching this unfold and they are getting angry. How many folks have you talked to who were apolitical or even Democrat-curious who now whisper to you that we have got to reelect the president? I had one just yesterday, and I’m in Ted Lieu’s district. Think of how much more prevalent that phenomenon is out in America.

Let that congressional Weeble Nadler lie. Let them all lie. It’s a loser’s game. The truth is right there, and people are getting woke. Then put your own wokeness to work. For example, support Army combat vet Sean Parnell in his run against a Pelosi puppet in Pennsylvania-17. Because if we don’t win in November, then all there will be left are lies.

Kurt Schlicter

Enough Whining About Trump’s Mean Tweets

Enough Whining About Trump’s Mean Tweets

You should be eternally grateful that the worst thing you can really say about Donald Trump is that he’s mean to knuckleheads on social media – and that literally is the worst thing you can say about Donald Trump without stepping into the territory of my new book, The 21 Biggest Lies About Donald Trump (and You!). Yeah, sometimes he tweets mean things, but always about terrible people. Get over it.

You should be glad he’s not, you know, destroying your healthcare, invading Iraq, or defiling the Oval Office like the last three nice guy tweeters did. So he’s poking Joe Scarborough, whose only fan is Nickelback because his music (Trigger Warning – NSFE: Not Safe For Ears) keeps them from being rock’s saddest punchline?

What’s the problem? Is Scarborough going to cry? In what way does his fussy fury matter? 

This is purely an aesthetic critique – mean tweets just don’t seem to be something we would think that a president would do. It’s unseemly, they tut-tut. But so what? Thousands of parents have had their kids come home alive from a hitch in the service because Trump didn’t send them off to Whocaresistan to die in whatever new war cruise ship commando Bill Kristol and his lame establishment pals dreamed up. Dead soldiers, now that’s unseemly. And having a president who doesn’t squander their lives just because the establishment insists on it as a fair trade for a few jabs about Mr. Mika’s intern mortality rate.

I love Trump’s tweeting, from his eccentric grammar to his wacky capitalization, from his occasional hilarious typos to his caustic venom when he’s in full effect mode. I love how he uses his tweets to seize and set the narrative, and I love watching the debate suddenly become not, say, if gropey Grandpa Badfinger is senile but just how demented he is. And if Trump didn’t tweet, we wouldn’t have “covfefe,” and western civilization would be less grand for it.

But I may be a minority. Many of us on the conservative tip who don’t wear their “Hardcore” tab on their left shoulder are troubled by his social media mongering. These are nice people who feel most comfortable with other nice people (which is why it is sometimes hard to get them woke to how the libs truly hate them and want them disenfranchised, enslaved, or worse), and they are concerned because Trump is not the norm. But they should be concerned that the spongey likes of Jeb! and Mitt Romney (“R”- Miracle Whip) – who would never dream of tweeting something interesting, much less something inflammatory – are the norm, because the gentleman loser norm isn’t cutting it anymore.

You talk to these folks and they really like all the conservative things Trump has done. Judges – yay! Protecting the Second Amendment – huzzah! Record low unemployment pre-pangolin pandemic panic – whoopee! But they inevitably, every time, shake their heads and sigh and wish that Trump would just stop with his infernal tweeting.

But he can’t stop tweeting. It’s who he is. Trump is like the scorpion that the frog lets ride on his back across the river who then stings the frog because that’s who the scorpion is. Except in this analogy, the frog carries Trump over the water and, on the way across, Trump is on his iPhone tweeting about how dumb Don Lemon is.

The fact is that Trump is a human being, not a Golden Corral – you don’t get to pile up only the stuff you want on your plate and leave the stuff that you don’t want on the steam table. If you want a fighter, and we did and do want a fighter, then you can’t start freaking out because he throws a punch.

Leaving aside that Trump is not a bully who starts these fights – that’s Lie No. 16 in my new book – the fact is that we didn’t elect Donald Trump to be President Feelgood Happy Time. We elected him to take a sledgehammer to the garbage establishment whose corruption, incompetence, and greed impoverished, insulted, and sometimes even killed normal Americans, regardless of which half of what the great Michael Walsh labeled the Bipartisan Fusion Party sat in the White House. And when you elect a sledgehammerer – and Trump is the John Henry of American politics – don’t come to me shaking your head muttering, “Goodness gracious, I expected him to be more subtle.”

Yet, as ubiquitous as the complaints about his tweeting are – it’s an absolute staple of any mainstream media anthropological study of Homo Trumpicus conducted out in the wilds of actual America – I am not convinced that people really care all that much about his lack of social media graces. Instead of being a substantive objection to him, perhaps such desultory head-shakes over his mean tweets are simply a way to signify nostalgia for a time when a human jackhammer like Trump was unnecessary. Of course, Trump did not destroy the hazily-recalled and largely mythical genteel world of norms and unwritten rules – Trump was the avenging response to an establishment that itself gleefully blew up those norms and unwritten rules with the cultural C4 that was “Bu$Hitler” chants and claims that Mitt Romney enjoyed infecting innocent workers with cancer when he wasn’t busy plotting the return of slavery.

Those expressing reservations about Trump’s tweets always do so with a “but,” as in “I really wish he wouldn’t tweet so much, BUT I’m still voting for him.” They understand the necessity of Trump, but also wish his brand of flamethrowing was not necessary. What they are doing when they bemoan his tweeting is registering their preference for another era, one where the left was not out to destroy America as currently constituted, along with the normals who constitute it.

But in the real world of today, the left is out to destroy America as currently constituted, along with the normals who constitute it, and if some social media drama is the price of victory so be it.

Mr. President, #KeepTweeting.

Kurt  Schlichter
Kurt Schlichter